This story begins before I was born, with a grandfather I never met. In fact, I never met either of my grandfathers and I have never even seen a photograph of them. What I do know comes from fragments of family history and a newspaper clipping.
My maternal grandfather drove across the country with the intention of ending his life. He put a gun in his mouth but was found alive. According to the newspaper report, there were no financial troubles or obvious external pressures.
My grandmother was pregnant with their fifth child at the time, and family stories suggest he had been experiencing what was described as “morning sickness” alongside her pregnancy.
The more I learn about my family’s history, the more I wonder about the impact that event had on the generations that followed.
Suicide carried a much heavier stigma in those days than it does now, and I often find myself wondering what life was like for my mother growing up in its shadow.
Was she bullied at school because of what happened? Did people talk about it behind her back? I will never know. What I do know is that my mother struggled with depression, anxiety and OCD, and I have long suspected she may also have had bipolar disorder.
My sister and I both have bipolar disorder, while my eldest son lives with depression.
Looking back across the generations, I cannot help but see a thread connecting mental health challenges, trauma and resilience.
Some parts of the story are known, while others remain unanswered questions, but together they form an important part of my family’s history.